Cycle day 9

I have had a bad day! I had a morning of running around whilst getting no where whilst feeling sick! I often feel sick after the clomid, I hope it is a good sign that says it is working!

I also managed to hurt my back, doing nothing at all really. It still really hurts I hope it settles enough for us to not have to give up on this cycle. I could do with a body transplant right now!!

Cycle day 7 - finished the clomid

I am so tired, but have finally finished the horrible run of shifts I had to do. Now I have a couple of days off (to catch up on all the house work I haven't had the time to do!!!). It was all made worse by the clocks going forward last night, I lost a whole hours sleep!!

I am glad to have finished the Clomid, although I am not overly confident about it working, although it will obviously be great if it does work! It is going to be a long 28 days more to wait.

Cycle day 5 clomid day 4

No time to blog yesterday! Those symptoms I was worried about not having I now have!!! Since yesterday and all day today I have been a psychopath!! Even I would not be in the same room as me if I had the choice!!! I have also been getting a few cramps too, all good though I hope!

I am really tired at the moment as well which does not help! I have been working alternate late and early shifts the past few days and I am working the weekend too. Also I am still getting over the secondary cold I had from the cold a week ago and now my hubby has his secondary cold so he is snotty all night and not sleeping and keeping me awake! There are two things I can not do without 1) Chocolate and 2) Sleep!!!

Vote for my hands!!

Please vote for my hands!!! Fairy liquid are doing a competition to find the next Fairy liquid hands!! My hands really need your votes because they are hard working, tired hands, no time for manicure hands!!! It sounds really dirty actually when I put it like that! It is a washing up liquid, dishwasher liquid, washing power brand!! Very clean!!

Cycle day 3 clomid day 2

Only a three more days and the clomid is done. Everything seems to be aright, I have had no major symptoms from the clomid. Not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing! Does it mean it is not working?? I will have to wait and see what happens.

Cycle day 2 - Clomid 100 mgs day 1

I don't actually find the clomid makes me too nuts! I do find that it makes me feel a bit sick and a bit dizzy. But these symptoms at the moment are masked by sinusitis! I feel pretty grotty, hopefully I will be better by the time we need to get busy!

I have had four days off work and tomorrow I go back. I am working all weekend too! The shifts are pretty crap, I am working alternate late's and early's just to totally screw my system up! I would probably take tomorrow off had I not been off sick a lot lately, so instead I will spread the joy!!

I took my car in for a service today and while I was there needed to use the loo. I was so impressed they had a fancy sanitary towel bin - WOW! It was great I waved my hand over it and it opened and the waved my hand again and it shut! Hours of fun to be had! They say little things please little minds!!

Roll on day 35, or sooner - I think I got a positive result last time around day 28. Fingers crossed!!

Day 1 - Just!

Day 1 as of about an hour ago! Just after I blogged last night I started getting the brown sludge that I normally get with a provera induced period. Sometimes this lasts a few days before my actual period starts. This time I got lucky and it only lasted about 18 hours. Now I have proper blood coming so I can call this Day 1. Tomorrow I start back on clomid 100 mgs, fingers crossed it all works out this time!

Day 5 - losing the will to count!!

I have another sodding cold!!! I had one a couple of weeks ago, just after I went back to work after having my miscarriage. I have to take a few days off then because I felt awful - puffy eyes, no energy, producing bucket loads of snot, not being able to sleep because drowning in snot! Well I have continued to be fairly snotty, then last week my hubby got it, now it is back again!!! I did not think it was possible!! There is no way that I can take anymore time off work with another cold because I am still getting a hard time about taking the last lot of time off only a week after going back to work after having a miscarriage. So I am hoping it will either magically disappear over night or someone will hurry up and invent a cure for colds!

My period has still not come, I am just fed up with waiting now, even though it has only been five days. I guess I just want it to start at a time that is convenient for me!! I have the next couple of days off so either of those would do nicely, so I can go to the loo every thirty seconds, have a nice hot water bottle and soak in the bath, until the initial period pains are done! After that I am at work for about 6 shifts in a row.

Day 4 - getting impatient!

I am starting to get really impatient, despite trying to convince myself I am just chilled and that all I can do is just wait!

I just want my period to start now so I can get on with the next cycle! Despite being worried about it! Worried that it wont work, and worried that it will work and that I will have another miscarriage! Every time I have said there is no way I can cope with another miscarriage, and again I say - there is no way I can cope with another miscarriage! But the risk is far outweighed by the need and want and love I already have stashed up for my baby!

It is hard, but I am sure it will all be worth it in the end.

Day 3 of waiting - calm!

I am feeling better today for several reasons

1. I have the weekend off, also Monday and Tuesday, so four days of not going to work is ace!

2. I played badminton with my hubby and it was a real laugh!

3. I don't really know why else but a list of two looked silly so I had to add this one!

Still waiting for the big blob! Have been feeling quite bloated so I am fairly sure it is on its way, any day now!! Positive thinking - does it really work!!!!

When we first lost our first son Harry, when things went wrong my hubby and I used to say 'things can't get and worse' and they did, time and time again. We have given up on that saying! When I was talking to my Mum after my last miscarriage she came out with a better phrase- 'No matter how bad things are they can still get a hell of a lot worse!'. I quite like that it makes me giggle! I am not really a pessimist, I think I am a realist!

Day 2 of waiting - bad day!!

I am having a really crap day, I don't know if it is just hormones, or the idiots I work with saying silly things or just everything catching up on me but I feel like crying, all day!

I think it was triggered by work. I found out the other day that I have a lot of holiday time to take before the end of July (5 weeks!) because I have barely taken any, and saved it all for a rainy day! I have to get my leave request form signed by the ward sister so asked her if she had got around to signing it yet. She said 'I don't know if you should get any holiday with all the time off sick you have had lately', she said it in a kind of joking way (which was far from funny!). She then had to go and answer the phone but two of my co-workers persisted the subject, saying I had been' lucky' to of had so much time off lately!!!!!!! Lucky!! Lucky to loose my third baby, lucky to be back to square one in the sodding fertility drug game!!! They are either totally thoughtless or totally stupid (and of course have several children!). I flipped, but not as much as I wanted to! I just said to them I would rather have been here then off sick! They shut up, I think the penny must have dropped I was then prepared to totally flip. Instead, since this conversation had finished and I was starting to loose it I simply finished what I was doing and then hid in the loo to cry! Only problem was once I started I could not stop for ages. I eventually managed to pull myself together but still could not leave the loo because my eyes were so blood shot. Several splashes of water later I was back on the ward.

Sometimes I just find everything is really hard to deal with, the PCOS, the infertility, the roller coaster ride on the medication, loosing 3 babies, especially my first in such a traumatic way. All that is bad enough without people saying stupid stuff! I keep it together well most of the time, I put on a good act of 'happy' and 'normal' at work, when really I am struggling!

I actually blame basic culture here in the UK, the stiff upper lip thing. The uncomfortableness (I know this is not a word, but it is now!) people feel when someone starts to talk about their feelings! And it is almost wrong to talk about death, miscarriage or infertility because it is not the done thing to mention them. It is so wrong. I am sure that attitudes like that and peoples total ignorance are what makes it hard for people like us to cope with all the terrible stuff that has happened to us.

I will try to be more positve tomorrow! We are going to play badminton tomorrow afternoon that will help!

Day 1 of waiting!

Now I am in no mans land! Waiting for a period to start. I just hope it does not take long. The first time I took Provera it worked after 4 days but then a few more doses along the way it took 16 days to start. I started to get a few period pains first thing this morning, which is pretty normal for me after the Provera.

Provera day 5

The last day of provera! I hope my period comes soon, I am already feeling quite bloated. I am really keen to get back on the clomid now, it has been almost 5 weeks since my miscarriage. I am keeping my fingers crossed that the clomid works on the first cycle this time, but I wont hold my breath!

Provera day 4

I should wear a badge that says 'careful I am taking hormones!' I nearly flipped in a shop today (Wilkinsons) For some daft reason they refused my debit card and then were really rude to me and told me to leave the shop. I will never ever go back there again. I used the card in several places after that with no problem so it must have been their shit machine. When it was refused it came up on the till to call the supervisor, and a (seemingly) 12 year old girl came along and looked down her snotty nose at me. I wish I had had a bit of a flid, it would have made me feel better. I wish they had checked their machine before accusing me of being some kind of criminal. If I was going to steel someone's card I would shortly go to a nice shop not a cheap one!

Anyway only one more day to go and then I just have to wait for a period - the excitement is almost too much!! It is meant to come 4- 14 days after finishing the provera. I hope it is 4 days I am getting more and more impatient!

Provera day 3

I am a psychopath!! Mostly at work, I kept getting into debates and getting really fired up over silly thing (but still things that piss me off!!!). I kind of knew I was going a bit nuts but could not stop myself. I think they just think I am a heartless bitch at work! Never mind!

I have done slightly better on not eating loads of chocolate today! I am sure I have put on 8 stone in the last couple of days!!!

Only a couple more days of provera and then hopefully I will get a period about a week to two weeks after that. Then restart the clomid which of course is going to work first time!

Provera day 2

I am blaming provera for the large quantity of chocolate and really bad food I have been eating the last two days!

Provera day one!

Here we go again!! I started the provera today I have to take it for five days then wait for a period.

I already feel stressed, I just want to start the cycle off now not wait for ages, it is really annoying.

Now I am mad!

So much for my GP sorting out the prescription for me!!! I have ended up with even less provera then what was prescribed on the first two prescriptions that were wrong!!! The provera on the wrong prescriptions at least would have given me 3 months of provera at the correct dose. The GP would only write up enough provera for 2 cycles then I have to go back for more. Why? I have no idea, so now I will have to keep going beck to my GP, what a waste of his time and mine, not to mention the cost of extra prescriptions. I am very cross, very frustrated and very upset. It seems like it is one thing on top another all the time. Nothing is ever easy!

A bit of fun for everybody stressed out!

A PRAYER FOR THE STRESSED

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today because they got on my nerves.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the feet I have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to give 100% at work.

12% on Monday,

23% on Tuesday,

40% on Wednesday,

20% on Thursday,

and 5% on Friday.

And help me to remember, when I am having a bad day and it seems that people are trying to wind me up, it takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile, and only 4 to extend my arm and smack someone in the mouth.

Prescription!

After another week of banging my head against a wall trying to get the doctor who wrote me the last prescription to call me back I give up!!! The receptionist I talk to is so rude and I am fairly sure that she is not even passing the messages on. I know she probably just thinks I am a pain in the arse and does not actually care but to me it is the most important thing in the world. Without the Provera to kick start my cycles I have no cycles and no chance of becoming pregnant again. So I took all the bits of paper along to my GPs and spoke to the receptionist there who was brilliant and she said my GP would be in at 10 am and she would get him to sort it out then, and I could call back for it later today!! I am so relieved it is finally going to be sorted out, now I can focus on worrying about getting pregnant and staying pregnant!

I was hoping that I would magically get a normal period without the provera and so save myself 19 days, but surprise surprise it has not happened! My other hope was that I would magically get pregnant with no medication and then would not have to start another long agonizing cycle! But that has not happened either. So I start the Provera again tomorrow.

I am feeling pro-active!

My hubby and I have been playing badminton the last few Sundays, it is brilliant! Neither of us are very good but the idea is to get some exercise, have a giggle and vent some frustration by whacking the shuttle as hard as humanly possible! Today we joined the leisure centre so we can book the court 10 days in advanced, so we are aiming to go more often. The other good thing bout it is that at the leisure centre they do aqua aerobics too so once I am pregnant again and out of the danger zone I can replace badminton with aqua aerobics.

It feels good to do something positive. Tomorrow I have to call the doctors secretary up to see if they can send me another prescription, maybe even correctly written this time!

A poem I found

I found this poem today and I like it so I thought I would put it on my blogg.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother:

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Author Unknown

How hard is it to get a prescription right!!!

I can not believe how hard it is to get a prescription correct! I got the re-written prescription in the post today and now it is even more wrong then the last, it is prescribed that I take the provera on days 2-6 of my cycle when I actually use it to start the cycle. It is also still written up for once a day rather then the twice a day it is meant to be written up for. Which was the whole point of the million phone calls I had to make in the first place. I could do nothing about it today despite trying because my doctors secretary does not work on Fridays! Now I am really pissed off!

On the plus side I still have enough meds left to start off this cycle on Friday if I have not got it sorted out by then.

On the whole life is ok! Although I am a little piddled off because I have been off sick from work the last 3 days, I have some cold type bug that is doing the rounds. Sleeping is my main problem at the moment, I am a person who really needs their sleep but at the moment I just feel like I am drowning in snot when I lie down, so only sleep for 15 minutes at a time! At the moment my eyes are puffy and my nose is red! The worst thing is when I went off sick I had only been back at work for a week since going back after my miscarriage. I hate to think what people are saying about me at work, but I can not help being ill! I guess I am feeling pretty sorry for myself at the moment.

To people who add comments - thank you

I just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone who adds comments on my blog. It is comforting to know I am not alone in my quest! Or in our battle against PCOS, we may not cure it but we can sure kick its arse!!! It means a lot to me to get comments through the blog and to make new friends through it! I am happy to reply to anyone who wants a reply, so please leave an email address or don't be anonymous!

There are so many emotions and hormones involved in PCOS and then chucking fertility treatment into that as well it is like a roller coaster! Tough on us and also tough on our partners (I often feel sorry for my hubby, I know that I can be a moody bitch sometimes, I seem to go from very happy to very sad at the drop of a hat and I bite his head off over such silly things!) and the people around us, even those who have no idea what we are going through.

One day we will all win! Until then we have to keep fighting for what we really want. They say what does not kill you only makes you stronger, so don't give up!

Total frustration

Total frustration with life the world and the universe right now! The doctors secretary phoned back yesterday and said that I do need to take the provera twice a day (like I said) only she said it in a way as if to say I was wrong, I think she had totally forgotten the whole reason I called. She then put me on the phone to the SHO. She said I could take it once a day, so I said why have I just been told by my doctor that I need to take it twice a day then. So her next suggestion was to take the prescription to the chemist and get the medication, so the provera would last for 3 cycles instead of 6, then I should go to my GP to get some more. My problem with this suggestion was that I would be paying for the prescription twice, also that the problem would still be there but delayed by three months, also what a waste of my GPs time. So the next option was to drive back to the hospital on the other side of Bristol and swap the prescription for the right one. I suggested that posting it would be a lot easier, so I posted back the old prescription and they are hopefully going to post me the right one.

Why dies everything have to be so bloody complicated! I work for the national health service and from the inside it is obvious how complicated things are made and where it goes wrong. If I ran the national health service I am sure I could fix it! First thing I would do is sack the managers managers, then the managers managers managers and so on! Too many people sat in offices pushing paper not enough people working in the grit of it!