Day 2 of waiting - bad day!!

I am having a really crap day, I don't know if it is just hormones, or the idiots I work with saying silly things or just everything catching up on me but I feel like crying, all day!

I think it was triggered by work. I found out the other day that I have a lot of holiday time to take before the end of July (5 weeks!) because I have barely taken any, and saved it all for a rainy day! I have to get my leave request form signed by the ward sister so asked her if she had got around to signing it yet. She said 'I don't know if you should get any holiday with all the time off sick you have had lately', she said it in a kind of joking way (which was far from funny!). She then had to go and answer the phone but two of my co-workers persisted the subject, saying I had been' lucky' to of had so much time off lately!!!!!!! Lucky!! Lucky to loose my third baby, lucky to be back to square one in the sodding fertility drug game!!! They are either totally thoughtless or totally stupid (and of course have several children!). I flipped, but not as much as I wanted to! I just said to them I would rather have been here then off sick! They shut up, I think the penny must have dropped I was then prepared to totally flip. Instead, since this conversation had finished and I was starting to loose it I simply finished what I was doing and then hid in the loo to cry! Only problem was once I started I could not stop for ages. I eventually managed to pull myself together but still could not leave the loo because my eyes were so blood shot. Several splashes of water later I was back on the ward.

Sometimes I just find everything is really hard to deal with, the PCOS, the infertility, the roller coaster ride on the medication, loosing 3 babies, especially my first in such a traumatic way. All that is bad enough without people saying stupid stuff! I keep it together well most of the time, I put on a good act of 'happy' and 'normal' at work, when really I am struggling!

I actually blame basic culture here in the UK, the stiff upper lip thing. The uncomfortableness (I know this is not a word, but it is now!) people feel when someone starts to talk about their feelings! And it is almost wrong to talk about death, miscarriage or infertility because it is not the done thing to mention them. It is so wrong. I am sure that attitudes like that and peoples total ignorance are what makes it hard for people like us to cope with all the terrible stuff that has happened to us.

I will try to be more positve tomorrow! We are going to play badminton tomorrow afternoon that will help!