Day 1 the blob has begun!

Day one of another potentially non-cycle. But here goes everything! The tablets at least did not take so long for my period to start this time, nor did they induce the stop, start kind of period that I had been getting which seems to take about 3 days to actually start. Already feeling pissed off about the whole cycle and all the crap I am going to be pumping into my body over the next 5 days! I know it will all be worth it when we hold our newborn baby, but all that seems like a million miles from where we are right now.

Back in Limbo!!

Here we go again!!! I started the tablets to bring on a period on 21st December, I need to take those for five days then wait for the big blob! Then it is the clomid again.

This will be my 4th cycle without ovulating, I have not had a normal period for well over a year now. I really thought that by this Christmas we would have a baby to share it with, or at least one due soon! I guess I think that every year, every Christmas and every birthday, I think next year will be different. It takes over your whole life. I almost reduced myself to tears this morning at the shops (I thought it was a great idea to go shopping a 6am to beat the rush! It was a great idea, so great about a million other people had the exact same idea!!) there was a young couple in front of me in the queue with a very new baby, the Dad was carrying the baby the way he looked at the baby and smiled at it made me feel so sad for my husband. I know he will make the best Dad, our baby will be guaranteed to be giggling all day every day with his or her Dad about.

I had it all planned, this month I was going to be pregnant, and I had already planned how we would tell our parents. I am gutted for them too! The last time I got pregnant (just before last Christmas) my Mum said that was the best Christmas present her and my Dad could ask for that they were really looking forward to becoming Grand parents. Neither my parents or my in-laws have any Grand children yet I really want ours to be the first.

Day 35- Big fat negative!!!!!

No matter how I try to prepare myself for coming to the end of a cycle and not being pregnant, it is still like a kick in the gut!

I am now going to wait another couple of days, retest then start the medication to bring on a period and start another cycle. It is really hard!

Day 34!

All tests so far are negative, but it is the one tomorrow on day 35 that counts. I keep feeling as though I might be pregnant, but tests say not! I am keeping my fingers cross and I guess pinning all my hopes on the test result being positive, it is hard not to when after all that is why I am doing all this and that is what I am really hoping for. But if the result is negative I will give it a couple of days then start the medication to start yet another long cycle!

Fingers crossed!

Day 28

All tests negative so far, but I have convinced myself that I 'felt pregnant' a few times. I really expected the test strips to come up with 2 lines. I am trying not to get to miserable about it I have another whole week to get a positive test result, if not it is into another cycle of starting off my period, which usually takes about 10 days then into the next round of clomid, it all feels like it takes too long, and having a baby seems like a long way away.

I have another appointment with the consultant on 1st Feb, I am a bit worried because I have been reading on the web that if clomid does not work in the first 6 months it is unlikely to at all. Oh dear.......................... feeling a little glum today, but still feel like I have to smile and act like everything is ok.

Day 23

Day 23 and so far pregnancy tests are negative. I guess it is just wishful thinking to test so soon anyway, I know the instructions say to test on day 35 if I have not had a period by then, but I keep thinking that I feel pregnant, even believe I am pregnant for a little while. It is so hard, and I am dreading Christmas, it would be really great to be pregnant and tell our families over Christmas, since the last two Christmas' have been full of bad news it would be good to wish for a happy Christmas this year.

My Son is on my mind a lot at the moment, well actually he always is, but now especially approaching the 2 year anniversary of his death. Two years have passed so quickly yet I still remember everything clearly about the car crash, about being in hospital, about being told my baby was dead, and about the birth and finally meeting my little boy. I guess that only now I am beginning to understand that you never get over losing a baby, but you have to some how learn to live with the loss. I hate some days the way I cope with it all, and feel like I am a mess most of the time, but I am starting to cope with it all, it is easier then trying to forget.