PCOS and me

Very odd!

2008-11-28T17:22:00.001Z

Hi everyone, something really odd happened and I am not sure what is happening. I took two positive pregnancy tests on Tuesday, so saw the Doctor and started on clexane and progesterone, then on Thursday did a negative test and today another negative! It is very odd now I am not sure if I was pregnant in the first place or what is happening. Odd!

Stressed!

2008-11-21T19:12:00.003Z

Very stressed!! Our daughter has been ill on and off for ages, she is on loads of medication for recurrent chest infections (pseudomonas) and aspiration. She is waiting for some more tests and to start some more treatment but for now we go through cycles of her needing more antibiotics on top her long term ones and her feeling like crap. We keep waiting and are feeling like we are not getting very far at the moment. Hopefully the nebulisers she is due to start next week will improve things and she is waiting for a test to see if she has a leak from her oesophagus to her trachea that is leaking food and drink into her lungs, if that is the problem it is easily fixed and would explain why she keeps getting chest infections. When she is well she is very happy and bouncy, when she is ill she crys at everything and is very clingy, it is tiring for all of us.

I have had to abandon taking 1g Metformin twice a day and am only taking 500mg, I tried several times to increase it but it just made me feel really sick and grotty. I have an appointment with the consultant at the beginining of December, we are planning to start the clomid in March providing our daughter is well.

Good to hear from everyone who left comments on my last post. x

Back again!

2008-10-24T20:41:00.003+01:00

Things are pretty good! We had thought that we would stop at one baby after all the trouble we had getting her, but around her first bithday we decided to look into trying for another baby! So we are back in the system! We are holding off on the clomid for a bit since our daughter has been unwell and we are still getting to the bottom of that, she needs all our attention right now, but we are hoping to start the clomid again in March, so here we go again! Whilst having a load of blood test I found out that I Factor V Leiden, which puts me at higher risk of miscarriage, so now I finally have an answer! So when I do get pregnant again I will need progesterone and clexane to try to thin my blood a little to reduce the risk of miscarriage. I have started back on the Metformin again I am on 1g twice a day, it is helping me lose a bit of weight mostly because I feel too sick to eat much! Last time I was on Metformin it gave me awful diarrhoea this time it seems to be making me feel really sick instead, the first day I took it I was actually sick, strange stuff!! I think it is doing some good though or I would not be taking it!

Would love to hear from anyone in the same situation or any of the people who used to respond to my post to know what they are up to, I do not have so much time to blogg these days but I do still think about you all. x

Still here.

2007-12-21T19:54:00.000Z

My little girl is now even bigger, crawling and has teeth! I am in the process of stopping breast feeding her after a few months struggle! She has never taken a bottle, so had to get her to take a cup, for some reason she would drink water from a cup and every now and again formula milk but still wanted breast milk. I have changed the formula milk for about the third time and she seems to like it, the key to it all was the cups she has her milk in. When she has water she drinks from a free flow cup, but for her milk she has a fat spouted cup with a valve on so she has to suck to get it out. Now I can look forward to not having to prize her teeth off me! It is a little sad giving up the breast feeding but at the same time it is giving me more confidence to feel like I can go out and know she will be alright and not get really hungry. So far I have only left her to go to the dentist a couple of times, but in April I go back to work and she will need to start nursery:(

I hope that other people have some happy news to share, please let us know. x

My baby is not a baby anymore!!

2007-10-22T19:53:00.000+01:00

My daughter is growing fast, she is nearly 7 months now. She had 2 teeth, smiles, laughs and is just lovely. I do not really think of her as a baby anymore, now she has her own character.

She can roll very well now and is into everything. I do not think it will be long before she can crawl. I am still breast feeding her a bit although I think it is more for comfort then anything else, also handy if we are out and she needs food or drink and I have neither with us!! She eats very well, better then my husband and I!!

She is well worth the wait and the struggle, but there is a tinge of guilt associated with enjoying her, for the little boy I lost. When she is big enough I will tell her about her big brother and I hope that he will be her angel keeping her safe.

Hello all

2007-08-28T20:52:00.000+01:00

Hi, things are good. We are moving to a new house soon so our baby can have her own room. She is growing fast, she is 21 weeks now and is very strong and funny! She has a jumping thing she can bounce in and she loves it, there are lots of smiles for everyone!

Baby groups can be odd, it is a bit strange really. People talking about their next baby. I am not sure we will have another baby. It is not like it was easy to get where we are now. 5 pregnancy's, 4 miscarriages, fertility treatment. We have had years of unhappiness, now our baby is here we just want to enjoy her and not go through any more unhappiness. I said I would not give up until we had a baby and now we have her, its time to be happy!

My baby arrived!

2007-04-16T07:11:00.000+01:00

!
My beautiful baby girl was born on 2nd April, the first part of the labour was quite quick and sudden (10 days early!) then the getting her out bit was not so good. After 2 hours of pushing I had an assisted delivery which is quite frightening and barbaric! But all was well once she was out and healthy. I managed the whole thing on a couple of paracetamol and lots of gas and air! She is the most beautiful and precious thing in the whole world. Really well behaved to! She is sleeping through most nights having only woken twice. She is breast feeding well and out grew newborn clothes after about a week because her legs suddenly grew long! She is too small for the 0-3 month clothes so looks a bit like a sack of spuds in them! But gorgeous!

Assembling stuff!

2007-03-21T06:51:00.000Z

Who ever writes the instructions for flat pack stuff should try actually using them!! I managed to assemble the cot fairly quickly despite the instructions or lack of them!! They were just pictures, the funny thing being that it came with 2 different sets of bolts the same thickness but different lengths only in the diagram they are the same length so I had to guess which ones were which and got lucky!! The high chair was fairly easy to assemble although I had much the same problem with pictures to go by! But the pushchair!! The instructions were alright just really really complicated, it took me over 2 hours to assemble it and felt like when I finished a degree certificate should pop out of it somewhere, very complicated stuff, this pram/pushchair seems to do everything and has adjustable frame to go on sand etc! There was me thinking all it had to do was be pushed or stop! This thing has adjustable suspension and everything! My nightmare at the moment is the isofix base I am trying to fit in the car. It is meant to be easy and sounds easy to install but I can not get it to go in properly, I am going to have to get it out and start again, only problem is it is as difficult to get out as it is to get in, once in place it is never coming out the car again!

As for being very pregnant I feel massive! Sleeping is very difficult and uncomfortable, I am looking forward to being woken by a crying baby rather then pain in my hips and legs. This stage is not much fun, I am very impatient! I will be 37 weeks tomorrow so the baby could come any time in the next 5 weeks! That seems very odd, after all this time I still do not believe we are going to have a baby!

Almost 36 weeks pregnant - just over 4 weeks to due date!

2007-03-13T05:48:00.000Z

I can't actually believe that I am now this close to holding our baby. This is the uncomfortable stage of pregnancy where sitting, standing or lying down is only comfortable for about 5 minutes. But I don't care I am just glad to have this little person prodding away inside of me preparing for her escape to the outside world!

In the 3 years of trying for a baby, having had miscarriage after miscarriage, and clomid cycle after clomid cycle I always had my eye on the goal, but never thought I would get here. It always felt so far out of reach, like an impossible dream that I was just taking a shot at. Having said that I could never have given up on it. Trying for a baby takes over your life and relationship, it becomes the most important thing to do, and there are times when it feels like it is too hard and you want to give up. But you have to be in it to win it!! So for everyone who doctors have labelled 'infertile' and for everyone who has had loads of miscarriages and everyone who has failed to get pregnant so far - Don't give up!! I think that is one of 2 most important things to remember when it all seems impossible. The other thing is don't lose track of your relationship with your husband or partner, they are going through it all too and although you may not feel like for them the yearning for a baby is as strong as yours they still have to put up with the mood swings, the tears, the demands (you know what I mean!) and they want to be a Daddy! Take care of each other and the roller coaster ride of trying for a baby with or without fertility treatment will be slightly less stressful!

Ok, one other tip, when you get pregnant - which you will! Don't leave maternity leave too late. I struggled through my last few weeks at work when I knew really I was no good to no one!! If you have a job which involves people putting constant demands on you, with life and death stuff, running around all day on your feet with few breaks, then start maternity leave earlier! I wish I had taken it at around 30 weeks, instead I started at 35 weeks. I was meant to start at 36 weeks but had some holiday to use up luckily! Now I can enjoy scrubbing my whole house from top to bottom to prepare for our little bundle of joy. Also should have more time to blog more! x

Baby shopping nightmare

2007-01-11T07:18:00.000Z

I went shopping for baby stuff on saturday. We already have loads of clothes and stuff, so really we were just after esentials like towels, monitor pram, car seat etc! I had hoped we would come home with it all! I had found the travel system that looked good, it was one of those ones where you can either have a pram, car seat or pushchair on the frame. So we tried the car seat in the car, no problems, then we tried to put the push chair in the boot of the car! There was no way that was ever going to fit, so we tried a couple more with the same result. We only have quite a small car (toyota Yaris) and although there is an option to chose between boot space or passenger space, the rear facing car seat needs alot of room. The next option was a new car! Really dont want to buy a new car, our savings have only just recovered from moving house and we would like at some point in the next fourty years to buy our own house. We found a really expensive travel system which I think will fit in the car, but we need to go and try it before we buy it since it costs over £700 but is still cheaper then a new car, although more then my brother would pay for a car!!

20 week scan

2006-11-24T10:40:00.000Z

Hello everyone. Just had my 20 week scan, I was really worried about it but so far so good everything is as it should be. Our baby is a little girl - they think they cant be 100% sure. She looked really cute, and is clearly going to be a Daddy's girl as she is already taking after her Father - she was lying sprawled out with her hands behind her head like she was lying on a sofa! Very cute.

Going through the whole clomid thing was total hell but totally worth it now. Keep going everyone don't give up!

Hello all!

2006-11-16T21:03:00.000Z

Ok so I have been writing less since I have been pregnant, there are many reasons for this

1) I am tired most of the time, because I have only reciently started a new job and I am working long days (13 hour days!) and it has been quite hard since I have only reciently moved from one side of the country to another and I am settling in

2) I am still waiting for everything to go wrong, I cant help it, we have not had any happily ever afters so far

3) I feel a bit guilty for all the people who have been following my blog and still are not pregnant

But things here are fine, my hubby is still in New York, it was meant to be for 2 weeks it was extended to 3 now it might be 4. So I am pretty miserable at home alone! I did manage to get out to New York to see him last weekend and it was great, I loved New York. I am now very jet lagged!! I left New York on Monday at about 8pm and got back to my house in the UK at 12.30pm on Tuesday, and lost 5 hours on the flight since New York is 5 hours behind the UK. To make matters worse for the past two days I have had to get up at 5.45am for study days at work, and despite going to bed at 8.30pm I am still tired.

My bump is growing and I love it, I am just getting beyond the stage where I just look fat and into the stage where I look pregnant. I am 19 weeks today and it makes me very nervous, I lost my first baby in a car accident when I was 19 weeks and 1 day. I really need to get beyond that stage to feel more optimistic about things. I dont think I have felt the baby move yet, but it is early days on that front! I have my 20 week scan next Friday and we are going to find out if we are having a boy or a girl.

I hope everyone following my blog is well and I do enjoy getting your updates, I am keeping my fingers crossed that you will all be as lucky as I am very soon. x

Everything is going well.

2006-10-29T16:16:00.004Z

I tryed to post this a few day ago but had trouble!!

I am coming up for 17 weeks this week and am so happy about that. Things seem to be going well, I have a little bump now which is expanding fast!!

I have not really had any food cravings yet. The morning sickness is easing off now which is nice, I only get it when I am really tired or really stressed.

The new job is going well ish! The first couple of weeks were really tough, the people I work with are not the most friendly or welcoming bunch, but I am getting to know them and them me, so hopefully things will improve.

My Hubby has had to jet off to New York today for work, he is out there for a minimum of 2 weeks, I started missing him after about an hour so I guess it is going to be a long couple of weeks. I had hoped to go out there to see him but I cant get the time off work, shame, I have always wanted to visit New York. We have never been apart so long, we have not spent more then a couple of days apart since we met 7 years ago and the last time we spent a night apart was just before our Wedding 6 years ago. I am rubbish on my own, although I am a very independant person the thought of being on my own for all that time scares me. We only moved here a couple of months ago so I have no friends here, and family are a couple of hours away, and I dont have enough time off work to visit them.

Everything is going well.

2006-10-29T16:16:00.003Z

I am coming up for 17 weeks this week and am so happy about that. Things seem to be going well, I have a little bump now which is expanding fast!!

I have not really had any food cravings yet. The morning sickness is easing off now which is nice, I only get it when I am really tired or really stressed.

The new job is going well ish! The first couple of weeks were really tough, the people I work with are not the most friendly or welcoming bunch, but I am getting to know them and them me, so hopefully things will improve.

My Hubby has had to jet off to New York today for work, he is out there for a minimum of 2 weeks, I started missing him after about an hour so I guess it is going to be a long couple of weeks. I had hoped to go out there to see him but I cant get the time off work, shame, I have always wanted to visit New York. We have never been apart so long, we have not spent more then a couple of days apart since we met 7 years ago and the last time we spent a night apart was just before our Wedding 6 years ago. I am crap on my own, although I am a very independant person the thought of being on my own for all that time scares me. We only moved here a couple of months ago so I have no friends here, and family are a couple of hours away, and I dont have enough time off work to make it worth visiting them.

Everything is going well.

2006-10-29T16:16:00.002Z

Everything is going well.

2006-10-29T16:16:00.001Z

Everything is going well.

2006-10-29T16:16:00.000Z

Everything is good!

2006-09-29T13:16:00.000+01:00

Hello everyone, sorry I have neglected my blog lately, I have had a lot to sort out lately! I have just recently got a new job and start on Monday, I am really happy about it since it is quite a senior role at one of the best hospitals in the country. I am a bit nervous about starting but am also really looking forward to it.

Everything is good as far as the pregnancy goes I am now 12 weeks and 1 day - but who's counting?!! I had a scan on Tuesday and everything looks good so far. All we can really do is cross our fingers being pregnant comes with no guarantees. Just have to hope we get lucky this time.

I am now 9 weeks and 2 days ish!

2006-09-07T15:01:00.000+01:00

The scan went really well. Not much to see at this stage but a very strong heart beat. My hubby thought that the baby looks like a slug, so we are naming him or her slug for now. We are going back for another scan at around 12 weeks, so soon.

It was a little confusing though, the radiographer said I was 8 weeks and 6 days and to come back for a 12 week scan, when we got to the desk to book the appointment they were trying to book me a 20 week scan, so we said what she had said and the receptionist went off to check and then said that was right I need a 12 week scan, then I noticed on my notes that it said I was 8 weeks and 4 days. I did not have the heart to make her go and check that too. I am sure a couple of days here and there are going to make little difference. Apart from the fact that I am looking forward to the 12 week stage where the risk of miscarriage is reduced. Until then I will hold my breath and keep my fingers crossed!

Morning sickness is such fun, I had forgotten what it was like to feel sick 24 hours a day! Still it acts as a good reassurance that everything is going well. I have gone off so many foods now - pasta, curry, quorn sausages, I cant think of any more at the moment!! Oh and bread from a packet the smell of it makes me throw up, by poor husband is having to make his own sandwiches!!! I have had some cravings to, a few fruit ones (but can't handle orange juice - too acidic!!), parma violets and floral gums which I have yet to find anywhere!!

I am still here!!

2006-08-27T08:33:00.000+01:00

The house move was a bit of a disaster and the rented house we live in comes with a few problems! Also I have not got a job yet but apart from that all is well! Cambridge is lovely though, I can see us settling here.

Still pregnant! I am up to 7 weeks and 5 days I think now, the furthest so far since my first pregnancy. I have a scan booked for 4th September, and a consultant appointment in October, which is a long way off I was hoping to get some answers about the meds I am taking at the moment which I was told to take until I was three months pregnant or told to stop taking them. I have just had a message from the midwife from the consultant to just stop them at 12 weeks. Pretty impressive since the doctor knows very little about me and has never even met me, but fingers crossed it will all be alright!

In myself I am feeling pretty good - sick and tired but it is all good. I can hardly moan about pregnancy symptoms! So everything is alright - so far, so good! I just hope that things carry on to plan. My hubby and I have now got slightly beyond the daring not to plan into the planning stage. We are talking names, buggy's, how many babies we think we are going to have etc!! It is so easy to get carried away once you start!

Im pregnant!!

2006-08-10T19:07:00.000+01:00

I found out the day before we moved into our new rented place (which is really skanky!). I think I am about 5 weeks I have a due date of 10th April.

I am excited but I am very scared, I can not let myself plan or even hope. Everytime I go to the loo I think it will be th end. All I can do is cross my fingers!

Day 19

2006-07-22T17:34:00.000+01:00

Not sure what is going on with regards to my cycle, we are in baby making mode! I don't bother with temperature charting or ovulation tests because I have never found then reliable. We just try to 'get busy' every other day until day 30 when we chill out a bit.

I have finally sorted out the move, we have removal men booked and a date to move in our house. The only slight bummer is that it has not been re-wired yet and now will be done after we move in, which means little point in unpacking much, because furniture will have to be moved and floor boards pulled up. It is annoying! It is hard to settle into a place where you cant really unpack and I hate living out of boxes. But at least we can move in, we were worried we would have to put our stuff in storage and live in a B and B for a while, which would be no fun!!

I will find out in another 16 days if this cycle has worked or not.

Day 16

2006-07-19T07:21:00.000+01:00

I have no idea what cycle day I am on until I blog!! Things are far too nuts here at the moment to remember things like cycle days. We are moving at the end of this month, but still have no moving in date to our new home. Main problems being we need to be out of here by the 2nd August, we also need to be at a family do on 5th August, my husband starts work on 7th August, and the removal men are almost totally booked up! So things are very stressful! We were hoping to get settled before my hubby starts work, it is looking promising, but until we have a moving in date I can't sleep!

Day 12

2006-07-15T09:55:00.000+01:00

At the getting busy stage now! Also packing up our house to move, applying for a new job etc! Things are pretty stressful at the moment. I think I could forgive the clomid if it failed to work this cycle. I have been feeling a bit sick on and off the past few days, possibly metformin related, or hormones, or stress or heat, or all of these things!!

We eventually found a place to live, although the estate agents were pretty useless. When I phoned them all they said to do was to check their website and call them if I wanted to see anywhere. So what do they actually do these days! Also what do you do if you have traveled over 200 miles to a different town to stay for a few days to sort out a house and have no internet access. Even visiting the estate agents they were not helpful at all!! Gone are the days where they take your details and contact you if they find somewhere that suits your requirements. Is demand really that high that they can be so crap!! It seems like total laziness to me!

Anyway we now have a house just no moving in date, which is a bit annoying when you need to arrange removal company and possibly storage! Ahhhhhhhh!

Day 4 of cycle day 3 of clomid

2006-07-07T08:18:00.000+01:00

Things seem to be falling into place!! My husband got a new job in Cambridge and we are planning to move there the end of this month - so we have lots to organise!! I have sent off for an application form to work at the hospital there which is one of the best in the UK, so that will be brilliant.

I am on day 3 of clomid, I don't really get vast side effects from it apart from the fact that I get over emotional, over really sad or really happy things that normally I would just say 'that is really sad' or 'that is brilliant', instead I feel my eyes well up like I am going to cry!! Only 3 more days of clomid and then we get to the 'getting busy' stage! I hope it does not get really hot again, yuck!! I know that trying to conceive whilst moving several hundred miles to a new house is not an ideal time, but when is?!!! Besides if I am worrying about moving it will take my mind off worrying about getting pregnant and miscarrying again or not getting pregnant.

Food phases!! I am really awful about food, and I wondered if it was anything to do with PCOS or just me being a bit of a nutter!!! I get phases where I eat something I really like day in and day out until I am sick of it then move onto the next new phase and the thought of eating the other one does not appeal to me at all! So PCOS or just insanity???

Day 1 - my own period, no drugs required!!!

2006-07-04T23:03:00.000+01:00

This will have to be a quick post since it is late and hot and I am tired, probably smell and need a shower before bed!!

My period started today so the clomid starts again tomorrow. I am very pleased with myself for having two 'on my own periods' in a row. I was very pleased with one but really did not expect another, maybe the last year of fertility treatment has kicked my body into some kind of cycle! Ace!!!

Fed up now!!

2006-06-24T20:26:00.000+01:00

I am fed up now!! I have not heard about the blood results, they said they would only contact me if there was a problem, so I assume that they are all good. I have been feeling really bloated since restarting the metformin, my tummy has swelled up like a balloon and I feel really fat. I may not be pregnant but I look it!! If anyone has any tips on how to deflate the bloated tummy that would be great!! I think if I put a needle in it it will pop like a balloon - no I am not going to try that and I don't recommend anyone else does either!!

I am still waiting to start the next cycle. Unless I get a period by magic we are going to have to hold off the next cycle. My hubby lost his job last month when the company he works for ran out of cash, he has been looking for another job ever since. We are probably going to end up moving etc, when he gets another job, and really cant afford a baby until he gets another job, so until his job situation is resolved things are pretty much on hold. I am frustrated by having to wait so long, it has been about 2 months since my last miscarriage, but I know as soon as I start the cycle that will frustrate me too, counting the days is just a nightmare! Nevermind!

The appointment

2006-06-15T18:49:00.000+01:00

Not quite what I expected! The 'hour appointment' lasted about 10 minutes the doctor asked some questions I asked some questions then my hubby and I both had blood tests then we were off! I have been told to restart the metformin (the doctor implied that I should not have stopped it for so long despite being told to do so by the doctor I saw after my last miscarriage), also start aspirin 75mg, and folic acid. I have clomid and provera should a period not start and a higher dose folic acid and progesterone pessaries for once I am pregnant. The blood tests are to check loads of stuff including chromosomal abnormalities, also to see if my blood is too thick in which case I will be given clexane.

Now I am going to wait and try to chill out! I will get the blood results via letter if there is a problem. I am going to wait another 3 weeks for a period then if I don't have one I will start the provera. Here we go again!!

I guess I had hoped for some answers today as to why I have had 3 early miscarriages in a row and yet I knew there may not be any answers. It is entirely possible that I might go on to have a normal pregnancy or to have another miscarriage. All we can do is keep our fingers crossed and keep going! I have to roll with the punches!

Now getting stressed!!

2006-06-12T18:25:00.000+01:00

On Wednesday I have my appointment for tests to hopefully find out why I keep having miscarriages. I am getting really fed up with all the waiting, I have no idea what the tests are going to be, how long I will have to wait for results etc! I am also worried they will find something that cant be fixed or find no reason at all! I just want a baby is that really so much to ask for!! Other people seem to pop them out one after another or accidentally get pregnant, but for me after 3 years of trying, fertility treatment and 4 miscarriages I feel totally exhausted by the whole thing! If I had a time machine and could go forward in time to see how things work out (so long as it was good!) then I would maybe be more chilled, but right now it all feels impossible!

Just wanted to say another thank you!

2006-06-05T09:35:00.000+01:00

I just wanted to say another thank you to people who have been leaving comments on my blog. I can not reply to them because they go through the blog as anonymous email addresses, so if anyone wants me to reply please attatch an email address I can reply to, or email me direct at junk@fatvat.co.uk It is great to get so many comments, I have been really surprised by the response to my blog, I had thought that I was just a total nutter, but it seems there are lots of people like me out there! Things just don't seem so bad!

A Period!!!!!

2006-06-02T17:27:00.000+01:00

I am so proud of myself because a couple of days ago I started my period!!! I have not had one that has not had to be brought on by medication in years!! I am so chuft!

Apart from that everything is pretty shit! I am covered in spots, I have put back on the weight I lost on the low carb diet and jobs and stuff is still very complicated!! I feel like switching my brain off for a little while or just parts of my brain, the parts that worry and give me flash backs. I would like to only hear from care free brain!

Feeling a bit more chilled!

2006-05-27T11:58:00.000+01:00

Work is really stressing me out at the moment. The people I work with are just total planks!! Someone at work is pregnant (a little further on then I would have been had I not had yet another miscarriage) and people just go on and on and on about it, it drives me nuts. It is really hard just being around her despite the fact that I like her, I have to keep hiding myself away from them all just to stay sane. I had been worried that when I returned to work people would make silly comments about my miscarriage, but actually no one gives a damn, like it never happened or maybe they think because I have had 4 I should be used to it. Like anyone gets used to losing a baby time and time again!

Apart from all that I am quite chilled, I have a few days off which is always good! Also my husband has his job interview next week, so that is finally starting to move on. I am a bit worried about having to look for another job (but even if we stayed here I would have to), not too worried about moving since we have become pro's at it! But am a bit worried about the prospect of maybe not getting a reason why I keep miscarrying before we move and then have to get a referral to another hospital and probably wait another 6 months after moving for that. All I can hope is that the reason is something simple - like scar tissue (which I would put money on considering the way I lost my first baby) and that it can be sorted before we move, so that as soon as we settle we can start trying again, while we wait for a new fertility doctor. It is all about timing! Just hope things finally start to work out for us, we seem to have fallen from one disaster into another since we got married, the only sure thing is our marriage!

I have started on a low GI, lowish fat diet at the moment having jumped off the low carb one! I have put a few pounds back on but I hope that will settle soon and that I can either keep a stable weight or lose some more, I would like to at least get below 11 stone, I keep getting stuck at 11 stone 1 or 4 or 6! Maybe once I get back onto the metformin it will be easier, at the moment I am making the most of being able to have a glass of wine from time to time without getting an upset stomach!

No matter how bad things are they can always get worse!!

2006-05-22T19:01:00.000+01:00

A few problems at the moment!!

1. Pretty pissed off about 4th miscarriage

2. Pretty pissed off about having to wait for test to find out why, therefore currently having to take a break from trying to conceive.

3. My Son would have been 2 years old around about now had some fuckwit not driven his dustbin lorry through my car.

4. My job is going under! The hospital I work at is being closed, although we still have no date, and so I am having to look for a new job, complicated by the fact that we might have to move house, so don't know where to look, and most NHS trusts at the moment are firing rather then hiring nurses!

5. My husbands company has run out of money so as of the end of this month we will be living on my wage alone which is not enough to cover bills, rent etc! There might be another job in the pipe line but it is moving very slowly at the moment and if he gets it we will have to move house.

6. If we move then the fertility treatment will all be put on hold, I will need to be referred to another hospital and so be stuck on a waiting list for ages!

7. My diet has taken a turn for the worse! I just want to eat chocolate and drink wine! I have eaten chocolate, so most of the weight I had lost is back on! I am going to switch from a low carb diet to a low GI diet because the low carb one is too restrictive, depressing and I am sure not very healthy!

8. As a direct result of all the above problems my husband and I are both depressed!

Apart from all that things here are lovely!!

Day 4 of low carb diet

2006-05-05T14:56:00.000+01:00

So far so good!! I had said I would weigh myself once a week but could not help but weigh myself today and so far I have lost 5lbs. If it carries on at this rate I should be down to the size I want to be in no time. Also the diet progresses so I can increase the carbs a little more but carry on a fairly low carb diet forever - if it lasts!!

The first few days were the worst, today is not too bad with cravings, it is definitely worth hanging in there for the first few days, but not the kind of diet you should start while working.

I am hoping to get the PCOS under control, then hopefully they will find out why I keep miscarrying and fix it!! If only it were that simple!! Then we are going to get back to the clomid and trying to conceive again and we might just get lucky!!

Time to get positive! Day 2 of low carb vegetarian diet.

2006-05-03T13:20:00.000+01:00

I felt it was time to do something to fill the time between now and the tests in June. It is such a long wait, I want to use the time in a positive way. I had thought about a low carb diet before because it is meant to be good to control the symptoms of PCOS, but I always got stuck before I started because I am vegetarian and most low carb diets consist of lots of meat and fish. But my hubby helped me find a vegetarian low carb book and so far so good! I only started yesterday but have stuck to it so far, although I do feel like chocolate!!! Yesterday I did not feel too bad, but I think that is because I was busy all day, I spent the morning running around getting the weird and wonderful ingredients I need, then we played badminton and before I knew it it was bed time! But today I have felt crap! I feel really tired and am craving chocolate!! But I am sure it will be worth it! It says that I can expect the first few days to be rough - that is why I started it while I am on annual leave from work!

Oh bugger work!!! I am not looking forward to going back, I am not looking forward to the hospital shutting and having to go and work at another hospital! Stress is not good!

Miscarriage number 4!

2006-04-25T17:18:00.000+01:00

Things went pretty much as I predicted. I am definitely having a miscarriage.

I went to the GP who sent me to the clinic, I saw a really nice doctor there and she happened to be seeing my consultant in the afternoon so spoke with him about me. Then arranged an appointment for me to come back for loads of tests, but not until June.

I am really pissed off! I just want it all sorted asap. I have been written off as sick for this week and next week I already had a week of holiday booked but am dreading going back to work since someone else at work is pregnant.

I have no idea what test they are going to do, or how long we have to wait to start again, like how long will the test results take to come back and then how long do I have to wait to get an appointment to get the results and what if the results come back that I can not hold a pregnancy. I am a mess at the moment. I spent all morning trying to get hold of the doctor I saw yesterday to ask her the questions, I was put through to about five different departments in the end I got through to someone where I could leave a message for her to call me. I need to put some kind of time frame on it all.

I am still bleeding although it has been really strange - not particularly heavy and stopping and starting. I do not think the kidney bean type thing has come out yet. I did not have a scan yesterday I guess because I was already bleeding heavilyish there was no point, but now I am wondering what is going on, not that I am fooling myself that at the end of this bleeding I am going to find out I am still pregnant and live happily ever after, just think it is a bit strange. I have had enough miscarriages to know what happens when, it is odd.

It got worse

2006-04-24T08:50:00.000+01:00

The bleeding got worse. I was getting a few cramps yesterday evening then in the night I started to bleed heavily fresh blood. I am now waiting to see a GP to get a referral to spend hours of hell in the early pregnancy clinic, only to be told what I already know and what I have been told over and over again. Another Miscarriage.

When I eventually get home later I am going to call my consultant and if I am really lucky his heartless, rude, incompetent secretary will pass the message on that I want to see him asap to get the tests going to find out why I am having my fourth miscarriage.

Life sucks!

Bleeding!

2006-04-23T17:27:00.000+01:00

It feels like when shit happens it happens to me!

I started bleeding earlier today, first just a smudge of old blood, then later a bit more. I feel as though this is going to be yet another doomed pregnancy. I am trying to stay positive, but for me the last three times bleeding has been the beginning of the end so think this will be the same.

I am going to try to get an early GP appointment tomorrow, then it will be a matter of going to the hospital and waiting several hours for a scan. I hate the early pregnancy clinic, I have had to go there so many times and you just sit and wait for hours, it stresses me out.

Also yesterday I found out that the hospital I work at is being closed in the next couple of months. It never rains but it pours. I will be amazed if I get through all this sane if things go wrong.

So far so good!

2006-04-20T19:16:00.000+01:00

I had been worried about the pregnancy test result! Not only paranoid about being pregnant but also paranoid about not being pregnant! The test strips I bought off eBay by the 100! They have never given me a false positive but do not give very clear positive results. So I bought a pregnancy test from the shop and it was positive, now I really do believe I am pregnant!!

I think I have known for a while now, I could feel something was going on. I have the classic pregnancy symptoms now - sore breasts, frequent trips to the loo and a little nausea. I am also not sleeping too well and am really tired! It is all good! I just hope it keeps on progressing.

I have an appointment to see my Consultant on 18th May, for a scan, hopefully I will be told everything is going well and how many babies we are having and a due date!! I put the date of my last period into one of those websites that gives you a due date and I got 25th December!! After all the crap Christmas' we have had it would make for a good one!

Someone else at work is also pregnant but further along then me, I just hope it works out for both of us this time otherwise it is going to be even harder, to watch someone else grow. I hope there are happy times ahead!

Day 29 Faint pink line

2006-04-17T07:09:00.000+01:00

I think we might just have got lucky!! For the past two days I have got a faint pink line on the pregnancy test strip. I did one yesterday that I did not quite believe, so thought I would do another this morning with my first wee since that is meant to be more concentrated. Technically it was not my first wee though since I got up at about 1 am to go as well, and did not think that was a good time to test! I did not sleep well at all last night. I know that you should wait a couple of days after getting a faint positive to re-test, so I will probably do another tomorrow morning, but I am fairly sure I am pregnant, I feel pregnant.

I stopped the metformin yesterday my consultant told me too and switched to 75mg of soluble aspirin (yuck!). I am at the feeling happy but not quite believing it stage at the moment. I am sure it will not be long before I am back to the paranoid stage!!! If it has worked I cant believe that we were lucky enough for the clomid to work first time after my miscarriage. Wow!

Day 27

2006-04-15T12:19:00.000+01:00

My hubbys birthday!!

I did another test this morning, I am seeing pink lines before my eyes!! I am fairly sure it was a negative so far, but I swear I could have burnt a pink line into the test strip with my eyes!!! I thought there might have been a faint pink line but I don't think so. I see pink lines every where!!! Still another 7 days to day 35 so there is time yet!! I am sure something is going on inside me, but will have to wait and see!

Day 23 and Impatient

2006-04-11T19:42:00.000+01:00

I am really impatient all the time but more so at this stage. Within the next 2 weeks I will either find out I am pregnant and be walking about with a fixed grin or I will find that I am not pregnant and need to start a new cycle of provera then clomid and be a miserable and hormonal cow!

I wish that summer would start! I know it is fairly early and summer does not start here until at least August but I would like to see more sunshine and less rain!!

Day 21 - still ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

2006-04-09T18:29:00.000+01:00

I have spent a weekend with my extended family!! It has been hell, and very stress full. My brothers and I seem not to be in favour as much as my cousins and so we seem to get a hard time and they get priority. I am planning to avoid all future family occasions through fear of slapping them all!!

I made myself feel really sick today out of principle! My Gran is always having ago at me when I eat chocolate or cake (despite the fact that the rest of the family are bigger then me!!), so I deliberately had two servings of ice cream!! I don't even like ice cream much!!!

Apart from that had a lovely relaxing weekend!! I am hoping to get a positive pregnancy test result by my hubbies birthday next weekend, although my 35 days will not be up for a week after that. Everything at this stage is crossed!!

Day 18 ahhhhhhhhhhh!

2006-04-06T20:24:00.000+01:00

It is normal for me to start to go a little mad about now. Stressing out over if the clomid has worked or not!

Today I was just a total basket case! If anyone did so much as look at me in a funny way I wanted to cry! I eventually locked myself in the toilet at work to have a good cry, but then I could not stop! Then I got red puffy eyes!!

I hate waiting!

This is really funny - How to find inner peace!

2006-04-06T20:16:00.000+01:00

A friend of mine e-mailed me this and it is great!!

Inner Peace

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on the Dr.Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished." So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished.

So I began to take action immediately. Before leaving the house this afternoon I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel. Please pass this on to those you feel might be in need of inner peace.

Cycle day 16

2006-04-04T21:20:00.000+01:00

I have no idea when I ovulate! I think last time it must have been around day 17 so I think I am in the important part of the cycle now. I did try doing basal body temperatures in one of my cycles but came out with a chart that looked more like an ECG then a temperature chart. There were spikes all over the place!!! I think that was because of my shifts and so taking my temperature different times each day, so I gave up on that. So we go for the plain and simple plan of 'getting busy'(!!!) every other day at the least, from the day I finish the clomid until I get a positive result or get to the end of the 35 days and have to kick start a period.

I am trying to chill out about this cycle and if it will or wont work, but I am not going to try to fool myself into believing that if it does not work I will not be sad! I know I will be sad if I have to start yet another cycle. After 3 years of trying I just feel like we should be due some luck.

Cycle day 14

2006-04-02T19:52:00.000+01:00

What a day!! I got up really early (4.45am) to watch the Grand Prix, but then went back to bed after Michael Schumachers Ferrari disintegrated half way through the race just as his car finally seemed to find some speed!! Then I got up about 9am. Lovely!!!

We have been collecting the Stargate box sets recently and finished the last one that is out at the moment so we needed something to fill the void, and we found it! Stargate Atlantis! It is brilliant so we watched that most of the morning, then this afternoon played Badminton, I won my first game! My Hubby then won the next 6!

I have been getting more mood swings again today, and a few abdo pains I am hoping it is a sign that the Clomid is working but could just be I am a moody cow with wind! Have to wait and see!

Cycle day 13 and April Fools day!

2006-04-01T18:18:00.000+01:00

Well what can I say! At the 'busy' stage of the cycle! I am hoping to get a positive result by day 27! So two more weeks to go! Also links nicely to my Hubby's birthday, that would be great!! I am swaying from being positive the Clomid will work again to thinking it will never work! Ahhh!

I have been away for a few days, which has been a nice break. Although I went away to go to a funeral, which was very strange! Now I can quite honestly say it is good to be home!

Cycle day 9

2006-03-28T15:40:00.000+01:00

I have had a bad day! I had a morning of running around whilst getting no where whilst feeling sick! I often feel sick after the clomid, I hope it is a good sign that says it is working!

I also managed to hurt my back, doing nothing at all really. It still really hurts I hope it settles enough for us to not have to give up on this cycle. I could do with a body transplant right now!!

Cycle day 7 - finished the clomid

2006-03-26T20:31:00.000+01:00

I am so tired, but have finally finished the horrible run of shifts I had to do. Now I have a couple of days off (to catch up on all the house work I haven't had the time to do!!!). It was all made worse by the clocks going forward last night, I lost a whole hours sleep!!

I am glad to have finished the Clomid, although I am not overly confident about it working, although it will obviously be great if it does work! It is going to be a long 28 days more to wait.

Cycle day 5 clomid day 4

2006-03-24T20:16:00.000Z

No time to blog yesterday! Those symptoms I was worried about not having I now have!!! Since yesterday and all day today I have been a psychopath!! Even I would not be in the same room as me if I had the choice!!! I have also been getting a few cramps too, all good though I hope!

I am really tired at the moment as well which does not help! I have been working alternate late and early shifts the past few days and I am working the weekend too. Also I am still getting over the secondary cold I had from the cold a week ago and now my hubby has his secondary cold so he is snotty all night and not sleeping and keeping me awake! There are two things I can not do without 1) Chocolate and 2) Sleep!!!

Vote for my hands!!

2006-03-22T19:41:00.000Z

Please vote for my hands!!! Fairy liquid are doing a competition to find the next Fairy liquid hands!! My hands really need your votes because they are hard working, tired hands, no time for manicure hands!!! It sounds really dirty actually when I put it like that! It is a washing up liquid, dishwasher liquid, washing power brand!! Very clean!!

Cycle day 3 clomid day 2

2006-03-22T19:00:00.001Z

Only a three more days and the clomid is done. Everything seems to be aright, I have had no major symptoms from the clomid. Not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing! Does it mean it is not working?? I will have to wait and see what happens.

Cycle day 2 - Clomid 100 mgs day 1

2006-03-21T19:41:00.000Z

I don't actually find the clomid makes me too nuts! I do find that it makes me feel a bit sick and a bit dizzy. But these symptoms at the moment are masked by sinusitis! I feel pretty grotty, hopefully I will be better by the time we need to get busy!

I have had four days off work and tomorrow I go back. I am working all weekend too! The shifts are pretty crap, I am working alternate late's and early's just to totally screw my system up! I would probably take tomorrow off had I not been off sick a lot lately, so instead I will spread the joy!!

I took my car in for a service today and while I was there needed to use the loo. I was so impressed they had a fancy sanitary towel bin - WOW! It was great I waved my hand over it and it opened and the waved my hand again and it shut! Hours of fun to be had! They say little things please little minds!!

Roll on day 35, or sooner - I think I got a positive result last time around day 28. Fingers crossed!!

Day 1 - Just!

2006-03-20T20:27:00.000Z

Day 1 as of about an hour ago! Just after I blogged last night I started getting the brown sludge that I normally get with a provera induced period. Sometimes this lasts a few days before my actual period starts. This time I got lucky and it only lasted about 18 hours. Now I have proper blood coming so I can call this Day 1. Tomorrow I start back on clomid 100 mgs, fingers crossed it all works out this time!

Day 5 - losing the will to count!!

2006-03-19T20:27:00.000Z

I have another sodding cold!!! I had one a couple of weeks ago, just after I went back to work after having my miscarriage. I have to take a few days off then because I felt awful - puffy eyes, no energy, producing bucket loads of snot, not being able to sleep because drowning in snot! Well I have continued to be fairly snotty, then last week my hubby got it, now it is back again!!! I did not think it was possible!! There is no way that I can take anymore time off work with another cold because I am still getting a hard time about taking the last lot of time off only a week after going back to work after having a miscarriage. So I am hoping it will either magically disappear over night or someone will hurry up and invent a cure for colds!

My period has still not come, I am just fed up with waiting now, even though it has only been five days. I guess I just want it to start at a time that is convenient for me!! I have the next couple of days off so either of those would do nicely, so I can go to the loo every thirty seconds, have a nice hot water bottle and soak in the bath, until the initial period pains are done! After that I am at work for about 6 shifts in a row.

Day 4 - getting impatient!

2006-03-18T17:17:00.000Z

I am starting to get really impatient, despite trying to convince myself I am just chilled and that all I can do is just wait!

I just want my period to start now so I can get on with the next cycle! Despite being worried about it! Worried that it wont work, and worried that it will work and that I will have another miscarriage! Every time I have said there is no way I can cope with another miscarriage, and again I say - there is no way I can cope with another miscarriage! But the risk is far outweighed by the need and want and love I already have stashed up for my baby!

It is hard, but I am sure it will all be worth it in the end.

Day 3 of waiting - calm!

2006-03-17T21:29:00.000Z

I am feeling better today for several reasons

1. I have the weekend off, also Monday and Tuesday, so four days of not going to work is ace!

2. I played badminton with my hubby and it was a real laugh!

3. I don't really know why else but a list of two looked silly so I had to add this one!

Still waiting for the big blob! Have been feeling quite bloated so I am fairly sure it is on its way, any day now!! Positive thinking - does it really work!!!!

When we first lost our first son Harry, when things went wrong my hubby and I used to say 'things can't get and worse' and they did, time and time again. We have given up on that saying! When I was talking to my Mum after my last miscarriage she came out with a better phrase- 'No matter how bad things are they can still get a hell of a lot worse!'. I quite like that it makes me giggle! I am not really a pessimist, I think I am a realist!

Day 2 of waiting - bad day!!

2006-03-16T20:35:00.000Z

I am having a really crap day, I don't know if it is just hormones, or the idiots I work with saying silly things or just everything catching up on me but I feel like crying, all day!

I think it was triggered by work. I found out the other day that I have a lot of holiday time to take before the end of July (5 weeks!) because I have barely taken any, and saved it all for a rainy day! I have to get my leave request form signed by the ward sister so asked her if she had got around to signing it yet. She said 'I don't know if you should get any holiday with all the time off sick you have had lately', she said it in a kind of joking way (which was far from funny!). She then had to go and answer the phone but two of my co-workers persisted the subject, saying I had been' lucky' to of had so much time off lately!!!!!!! Lucky!! Lucky to loose my third baby, lucky to be back to square one in the sodding fertility drug game!!! They are either totally thoughtless or totally stupid (and of course have several children!). I flipped, but not as much as I wanted to! I just said to them I would rather have been here then off sick! They shut up, I think the penny must have dropped I was then prepared to totally flip. Instead, since this conversation had finished and I was starting to loose it I simply finished what I was doing and then hid in the loo to cry! Only problem was once I started I could not stop for ages. I eventually managed to pull myself together but still could not leave the loo because my eyes were so blood shot. Several splashes of water later I was back on the ward.

Sometimes I just find everything is really hard to deal with, the PCOS, the infertility, the roller coaster ride on the medication, loosing 3 babies, especially my first in such a traumatic way. All that is bad enough without people saying stupid stuff! I keep it together well most of the time, I put on a good act of 'happy' and 'normal' at work, when really I am struggling!

I actually blame basic culture here in the UK, the stiff upper lip thing. The uncomfortableness (I know this is not a word, but it is now!) people feel when someone starts to talk about their feelings! And it is almost wrong to talk about death, miscarriage or infertility because it is not the done thing to mention them. It is so wrong. I am sure that attitudes like that and peoples total ignorance are what makes it hard for people like us to cope with all the terrible stuff that has happened to us.

I will try to be more positve tomorrow! We are going to play badminton tomorrow afternoon that will help!

Day 1 of waiting!

2006-03-15T09:41:00.000Z

Now I am in no mans land! Waiting for a period to start. I just hope it does not take long. The first time I took Provera it worked after 4 days but then a few more doses along the way it took 16 days to start. I started to get a few period pains first thing this morning, which is pretty normal for me after the Provera.

Provera day 5

2006-03-14T12:53:00.000Z

The last day of provera! I hope my period comes soon, I am already feeling quite bloated. I am really keen to get back on the clomid now, it has been almost 5 weeks since my miscarriage. I am keeping my fingers crossed that the clomid works on the first cycle this time, but I wont hold my breath!

Provera day 4

2006-03-13T20:36:00.000Z

I should wear a badge that says 'careful I am taking hormones!' I nearly flipped in a shop today (Wilkinsons) For some daft reason they refused my debit card and then were really rude to me and told me to leave the shop. I will never ever go back there again. I used the card in several places after that with no problem so it must have been their shit machine. When it was refused it came up on the till to call the supervisor, and a (seemingly) 12 year old girl came along and looked down her snotty nose at me. I wish I had had a bit of a flid, it would have made me feel better. I wish they had checked their machine before accusing me of being some kind of criminal. If I was going to steel someone's card I would shortly go to a nice shop not a cheap one!

Anyway only one more day to go and then I just have to wait for a period - the excitement is almost too much!! It is meant to come 4- 14 days after finishing the provera. I hope it is 4 days I am getting more and more impatient!

Provera day 3

2006-03-12T17:41:00.000Z

I am a psychopath!! Mostly at work, I kept getting into debates and getting really fired up over silly thing (but still things that piss me off!!!). I kind of knew I was going a bit nuts but could not stop myself. I think they just think I am a heartless bitch at work! Never mind!

I have done slightly better on not eating loads of chocolate today! I am sure I have put on 8 stone in the last couple of days!!!

Only a couple more days of provera and then hopefully I will get a period about a week to two weeks after that. Then restart the clomid which of course is going to work first time!

Provera day 2

2006-03-11T20:11:00.000Z

I am blaming provera for the large quantity of chocolate and really bad food I have been eating the last two days!

Provera day one!

2006-03-10T10:29:00.000Z

Here we go again!! I started the provera today I have to take it for five days then wait for a period.

I already feel stressed, I just want to start the cycle off now not wait for ages, it is really annoying.

Now I am mad!

2006-03-09T16:33:00.000Z

So much for my GP sorting out the prescription for me!!! I have ended up with even less provera then what was prescribed on the first two prescriptions that were wrong!!! The provera on the wrong prescriptions at least would have given me 3 months of provera at the correct dose. The GP would only write up enough provera for 2 cycles then I have to go back for more. Why? I have no idea, so now I will have to keep going beck to my GP, what a waste of his time and mine, not to mention the cost of extra prescriptions. I am very cross, very frustrated and very upset. It seems like it is one thing on top another all the time. Nothing is ever easy!

A bit of fun for everybody stressed out!

2006-03-09T10:02:00.000Z

A PRAYER FOR THE STRESSED

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today because they got on my nerves.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the feet I have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to give 100% at work.

12% on Monday,

23% on Tuesday,

40% on Wednesday,

20% on Thursday,

and 5% on Friday.

And help me to remember, when I am having a bad day and it seems that people are trying to wind me up, it takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile, and only 4 to extend my arm and smack someone in the mouth.

Prescription!

2006-03-09T09:53:00.000Z

After another week of banging my head against a wall trying to get the doctor who wrote me the last prescription to call me back I give up!!! The receptionist I talk to is so rude and I am fairly sure that she is not even passing the messages on. I know she probably just thinks I am a pain in the arse and does not actually care but to me it is the most important thing in the world. Without the Provera to kick start my cycles I have no cycles and no chance of becoming pregnant again. So I took all the bits of paper along to my GPs and spoke to the receptionist there who was brilliant and she said my GP would be in at 10 am and she would get him to sort it out then, and I could call back for it later today!! I am so relieved it is finally going to be sorted out, now I can focus on worrying about getting pregnant and staying pregnant!

I was hoping that I would magically get a normal period without the provera and so save myself 19 days, but surprise surprise it has not happened! My other hope was that I would magically get pregnant with no medication and then would not have to start another long agonizing cycle! But that has not happened either. So I start the Provera again tomorrow.

I am feeling pro-active!

2006-03-05T18:14:00.000Z

My hubby and I have been playing badminton the last few Sundays, it is brilliant! Neither of us are very good but the idea is to get some exercise, have a giggle and vent some frustration by whacking the shuttle as hard as humanly possible! Today we joined the leisure centre so we can book the court 10 days in advanced, so we are aiming to go more often. The other good thing bout it is that at the leisure centre they do aqua aerobics too so once I am pregnant again and out of the danger zone I can replace badminton with aqua aerobics.

It feels good to do something positive. Tomorrow I have to call the doctors secretary up to see if they can send me another prescription, maybe even correctly written this time!

A poem I found

2006-03-04T16:19:00.000Z

I found this poem today and I like it so I thought I would put it on my blogg.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother:

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Author Unknown

How hard is it to get a prescription right!!!

2006-03-03T19:28:00.000Z

I can not believe how hard it is to get a prescription correct! I got the re-written prescription in the post today and now it is even more wrong then the last, it is prescribed that I take the provera on days 2-6 of my cycle when I actually use it to start the cycle. It is also still written up for once a day rather then the twice a day it is meant to be written up for. Which was the whole point of the million phone calls I had to make in the first place. I could do nothing about it today despite trying because my doctors secretary does not work on Fridays! Now I am really pissed off!

On the plus side I still have enough meds left to start off this cycle on Friday if I have not got it sorted out by then.

On the whole life is ok! Although I am a little piddled off because I have been off sick from work the last 3 days, I have some cold type bug that is doing the rounds. Sleeping is my main problem at the moment, I am a person who really needs their sleep but at the moment I just feel like I am drowning in snot when I lie down, so only sleep for 15 minutes at a time! At the moment my eyes are puffy and my nose is red! The worst thing is when I went off sick I had only been back at work for a week since going back after my miscarriage. I hate to think what people are saying about me at work, but I can not help being ill! I guess I am feeling pretty sorry for myself at the moment.

To people who add comments - thank you

2006-03-01T20:24:00.000Z

I just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone who adds comments on my blog. It is comforting to know I am not alone in my quest! Or in our battle against PCOS, we may not cure it but we can sure kick its arse!!! It means a lot to me to get comments through the blog and to make new friends through it! I am happy to reply to anyone who wants a reply, so please leave an email address or don't be anonymous!

There are so many emotions and hormones involved in PCOS and then chucking fertility treatment into that as well it is like a roller coaster! Tough on us and also tough on our partners (I often feel sorry for my hubby, I know that I can be a moody bitch sometimes, I seem to go from very happy to very sad at the drop of a hat and I bite his head off over such silly things!) and the people around us, even those who have no idea what we are going through.

One day we will all win! Until then we have to keep fighting for what we really want. They say what does not kill you only makes you stronger, so don't give up!

Total frustration

2006-03-01T12:35:00.000Z

Total frustration with life the world and the universe right now! The doctors secretary phoned back yesterday and said that I do need to take the provera twice a day (like I said) only she said it in a way as if to say I was wrong, I think she had totally forgotten the whole reason I called. She then put me on the phone to the SHO. She said I could take it once a day, so I said why have I just been told by my doctor that I need to take it twice a day then. So her next suggestion was to take the prescription to the chemist and get the medication, so the provera would last for 3 cycles instead of 6, then I should go to my GP to get some more. My problem with this suggestion was that I would be paying for the prescription twice, also that the problem would still be there but delayed by three months, also what a waste of my GPs time. So the next option was to drive back to the hospital on the other side of Bristol and swap the prescription for the right one. I suggested that posting it would be a lot easier, so I posted back the old prescription and they are hopefully going to post me the right one.

Why dies everything have to be so bloody complicated! I work for the national health service and from the inside it is obvious how complicated things are made and where it goes wrong. If I ran the national health service I am sure I could fix it! First thing I would do is sack the managers managers, then the managers managers managers and so on! Too many people sat in offices pushing paper not enough people working in the grit of it!

Plodding along!

2006-02-25T21:26:00.000Z

Things are alright really, just feel as though I am plodding along. There feels like little point to anything when we are not even trying to conceive, it is so frustrating! Only 2 more weeks before I can start the medication again, but at the moment that is stressing me out! The doctor only prescribed the provera for once a day instead of twice a day like I was having. Also the provera had stopped working so he had given me a different drug instead. I have had a frustrating week of talking to his secretary. I phoned Monday, she said she would check my notes, then she phoned me back to say what was written, but he had not written how many times a day to take the provera in my notes. So she asked a random doctor who knew nothing about me and told her to tell me that it should work taking it once a day. She said if it did not work I should call back and get my doctor to prescribe something else. I told her I was not prepared to risk it not working since it would take 19 days of my already very long cycle to find out if it would work, then I would have to wait another 19 days plus however long it would take to get another prescription. Time is a really big issue for me at the moment, things are just not happening fast enough! She said if I wanted she would speak to my doctor for me, I said yes please since that is why I phoned in the first place! On Thursday I called her again since I still had not heard anything. She said she had not seen him, but would probably see him that afternoon and that she would call me back. I still have not heard back from her. It is really frustrating it feels like everything is a fight, but I am running out of steam.

I have been back to work several times this week, It was not too bad facing people. Only one person said something silly and instead of me being quiet and stewing on it I let rip and she then saw how silly her remark was. She said 'Never mind you are only young.' to which I replied - actually I am pushing thirty and it gets even harder to conceive as you get older and the risks are increased, also I am clinically infertile'. That made me feel better. I normally bite my tongue worried that if I flid I will lose control and either go totally over the top nuts or cry! But I was quite well controlled.

Feel a little like I am on auto-pilot at the moment.

Things!

2006-02-17T15:46:00.000Z

Things are a little better today. Yesterday I was either feeling like crying or crying all day. I hate feeling this way. I have been off work since I started bleeding last Friday, my sick certificate runs out on Tuesday so I will go back to work then, but I am dreading it. I had not told the people at work that I was pregnant, until the day I was bleeding and I had to phone up to tell them I would not be in and why. Because I work shifts it wont be a matter of facing people on one day and it all be over, I will see different people on different days for the next week or so, it is so hard. Whilst I am at home with my husband I can stay in my own bubble but once I go back to work I will be on my own and back out in the real world.

I went to see the doctor at the PCOS clinic on Wednesday. He was brilliant. I have to wait 4-8 weeks before we can start again, which is my biggest problem at the moment. It is really frustrating all the waiting is so hard. I have to wait to start the medication to give me a period, I have to take that for five days then wait two weeks for my period to start then it is the 35 day wait to see if it has worked or we need to start it all over again. But we are trying to find other things to think about to make the time pass faster. Once we do kick it off again I have been given instructions for what to do next time I get pregnant to try to reduce the risk of another miscarriage. I have been told to stop the metformin and to take aspirin 75mgs once a day.

Happy valentines day

2006-02-14T19:44:00.000Z

Not so happy though. I was looking forward to no more key events, like birthdays, Christmas, mothers day, fathers day or just general family events without knowing we have a baby on the way. Now we are just back to square one, today is not what I planned it to be. I just feel really sad.

Off to Doctors tomorrow hopefully for some sensible answers, I hope we don't have to wait very long before we can start trying again. Trying is frustrating, but not trying is worse. Time to jump back on board the roller coaster. I just hope it does not take so long for my ovaries to work this time. It has been 3 years of trying, and each time since the first (which took about 4 months) it has taken a year at the least to conceive again. It is just such a long road and just when I think I have got off it I am just back at the start again. Feeling very low today.

Top five things not to say to a couple who have just had a miscarriage!

2006-02-13T20:31:00.000Z

I feel it is my duty to compose this list of things not to say based on the totally stupid things that people have said to us after our past 3 miscarriages. Sadly most of these stupid remarks have come from hospital staff who frankly should know better!

What not to say

1. Tell you the statistics of how common it is to have a miscarriage in early pregnancy (so you not only stress out about the miscarriage you have just have but all the pregnancies after that should you dare try again!)

2. 'Only 3 miscarriages' (my response to that should have been - how many is a good number?!)

3. Better luck next time (thanks!)

4. It obviously was not meant to be (helpful!)

5. There will be other babies (My response should have been -actually that might not be the case, if you had bothered to read my notes you will see that not only is this my third pregnancy but I have a problem actually conceiving and we have been trying for a baby for 3 years)

Although there is another favorite that should be added to this list. It is the answer to the question - how long should I wait before we start trying again. The answer is always to wait until after your next period. I have not had a period that has not been as a result of a miscarriage or brought on by medication in well over three years, so are they suggesting I wait three years!!! I wish people would not be so silly and think before they speak and read your history before they answer your questions with the response they have been programmed with to tell everybody regardless of their circumstances. When I compared this last pregnancy to my first two I was told 'no two pregnancies are the same' so why don't they take that on board when they speak to pregnant women that no two are the same, nor are their circumstances so to come up with responses that are the same for every women seems totally ridiculous!

I have an appointment with the consultant on Wednesday (which is good since despite asking to see a doctor today and being told I could see one, I was then not give the opportunity to and instead spoke with a crap nurse who said all the wrong stuff and just told me to see my GP, despite the fact that I would get to the GP's before the letter from the hospital was even typed out!), it was meant to be for a scan, but the receptionist said it would be alright to talk to the doctor then. I am sure he will be more helpful and will tell me how long I need to wait before I start popping the pills again! I just want to start over now, before we lose our bottle and totally give up!

Bad news - But what is new!

2006-02-12T20:21:00.000Z

Things have gone very wrong! On Friday I started to bleed, it was only old blood to begin with, but I still had a feeling of imminent doom! We went to the clinic at the hospital and had a scan. It showed that the dot they scanned last week had another dot inside which seemed promising. They gave me a whole list of reasons why I might bleed other then another miscarriage.

On Friday evening the bleeding had stopped and I thought that maybe this time we were going to be lucky, but on Saturday morning, it re-started along with cramps, by Saturday evening I was bleeding heavily, fresh blood. I still hoped that things might be alright. But this morning I passed the sac that was the dot on the screen I had seen. I know that is it, I have had another miscarriage.

I feel really angry and upset. Not just for me but for my husband who I know will be the worlds best Dad and for our parents who are desperate to be grandparents. I feel like I have let everyone down. I know it is not my fault but it does not stop me from feeling totally useless.

So we are back to square one again. I go back to the clinic tomorrow and will ask about how long we need to wait before I can restart the fertility treatment again. Life is so unfair.

I am pregnant and paranoid!!!

2006-02-02T07:38:00.000Z

I found out last Thursday (26th Jan) that I was pregnant. It was not really until Monday that I dared to believe it! I have symptoms, which is great, and must have done about 6 positive pregnancy tests to be sure!

I went to see my GP on Tuesday to discuss Metformin. Should I stop taking it or carry on. Metformin is not licensed for pregnancy but apparently that is just because the manufacturers have never applied for a license through fear of any legal cases being brought against them. There is some research that metformin reduces the risk of miscarriage in people who have pcos and have been taking metformin to help get pregnant. So the outcome is I am going to stay on it, until someone shows me some credible research that says Metformin is bad!

Yesterday I had my appointment at the pcos clinic. The Doctor there is brilliant (as is my GP), I have great confidence in doctors who sound like they know what they are talking about and explain things clearly! I had a scan which showed that two of my follicles had released eggs, it also showed my little dot, but was too early to see much more. I am going back in a couple of weeks for another scan, in the hope that my little dot is a bigger dot! Also could not tell from this scan how many babies I am pregnant with!

I am really happy to be pregnant but am really worried about having a miscarriage. I worry about being too happy because it will be a big smack in the face if things go wrong. But it will be that anyway! So I am going to enjoy being happy, keep my fingers crossed and worry about one day at a time! I am hoping that in 8 months time I will look back at this time and think 'there really was no point worrying so much, and that time really flew!' whilst also holding my newborn baby or babies!

Day 26 it is really dragging now!

2006-01-23T10:52:00.000Z

I am wishing the days away now, I just want to get to hte end of the cycle and find out if it worked! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Day 25

2006-01-22T08:50:00.000Z

I think it is the very beginning of the cycle and from about day 20 at the end that are the hardest. Time really drags from here. I have made a deal withmyself to just do pregnancy tests once a week for the last three weeks rather then every day from day 21. So the next test I will do will be on day 28, Wednesday. Until then I have to concerntrate on staying sane!

Day 21

2006-01-18T17:07:00.000Z

This is when I normally get the urge to start testing, despite the instructions saying to test on day 35. I am going to try to resist the urge for a few more days. In 2 weeks I will know for sure either way, which ties in nicely with my next hospital appointment which is on the 1st Feb. So even if I get bad news on that day in the form of a negative pregnancy result at least I will hopefully be given an injection of hope, with a plan C!

Day 19 feeling like poop!

2006-01-16T21:50:00.000Z

I had a bad day! I found out this morning that the job I had an interview for last week I did not get. I am still looking for a new job, because I am fed up with mine!

I am feeling really fat too! I was stuck for ages at 11 stone 11, then a little while of my Metformin was increased my weight dropped to between 11 stone 4 and 11 stone 6, now it is up to 11 stone 10. I blame Christmas, I blame chocolate!! When things are bad I turn to chocolate it is the answer to every problem, if I could live on chocolate alone I would be a happy bunny! I don't survive well on any kind of diet that I have tried, so I try to go for the everything in moderation diet. I find diets so miserable! The problem with the everything in moderation diet is that I do slip up on it!

This cycle has just got to the point were it is starting to drag, I am holding no hope at the moment of it working, but really hope that it has! Just like every month! These medications really mess with my brain!!

Day 16 - Friday the 13th!!!

2006-01-13T19:51:00.000Z

Despite it being Friday the 13th I have had a rather good day I think! I had the day off and spent most of the day tidying up, but despite that had a good day.

I have been getting a few abdo pains today, but never know if that might be the clomid making my ovaries work, or just wind pain from the Metformin!!

Friday the 13th done without a hitch, in fact I am hoping we will get lucky tonight since I bought 2 tickets for the Euro Millions draw. I am sure we won't win but it is good to have dreams!!

Day 14

2006-01-11T20:12:00.000Z

I took the clomid 100mgs on days 2-6, but I also had to take penicillin for tonsillitis, so am slightly worried that being ill towards the 'crucial time' will have some affect on the outcome of this cycle, not that I have had a successful cycle yet. I can't believe it has been well over a year since I had a period that was not drug induced!

In myself I feel alright, I am over the tonsillitis hopefully, so it is all systems go now! I have had a few abdo pains but that could more likely be due to the Metformin, it is not kind to the digestive system!

Day 1 the blob has begun!

2005-12-29T21:44:00.000Z

Day one of another potentially non-cycle. But here goes everything! The tablets at least did not take so long for my period to start this time, nor did they induce the stop, start kind of period that I had been getting which seems to take about 3 days to actually start. Already feeling pissed off about the whole cycle and all the crap I am going to be pumping into my body over the next 5 days! I know it will all be worth it when we hold our newborn baby, but all that seems like a million miles from where we are right now.

Back in Limbo!!

2005-12-23T11:13:00.000Z

Here we go again!!! I started the tablets to bring on a period on 21st December, I need to take those for five days then wait for the big blob! Then it is the clomid again.

This will be my 4th cycle without ovulating, I have not had a normal period for well over a year now. I really thought that by this Christmas we would have a baby to share it with, or at least one due soon! I guess I think that every year, every Christmas and every birthday, I think next year will be different. It takes over your whole life. I almost reduced myself to tears this morning at the shops (I thought it was a great idea to go shopping a 6am to beat the rush! It was a great idea, so great about a million other people had the exact same idea!!) there was a young couple in front of me in the queue with a very new baby, the Dad was carrying the baby the way he looked at the baby and smiled at it made me feel so sad for my husband. I know he will make the best Dad, our baby will be guaranteed to be giggling all day every day with his or her Dad about.

I had it all planned, this month I was going to be pregnant, and I had already planned how we would tell our parents. I am gutted for them too! The last time I got pregnant (just before last Christmas) my Mum said that was the best Christmas present her and my Dad could ask for that they were really looking forward to becoming Grand parents. Neither my parents or my in-laws have any Grand children yet I really want ours to be the first.

Day 35- Big fat negative!!!!!

2005-12-19T09:19:00.000Z

No matter how I try to prepare myself for coming to the end of a cycle and not being pregnant, it is still like a kick in the gut!

I am now going to wait another couple of days, retest then start the medication to bring on a period and start another cycle. It is really hard!

Day 34!

2005-12-18T20:36:00.000Z

All tests so far are negative, but it is the one tomorrow on day 35 that counts. I keep feeling as though I might be pregnant, but tests say not! I am keeping my fingers cross and I guess pinning all my hopes on the test result being positive, it is hard not to when after all that is why I am doing all this and that is what I am really hoping for. But if the result is negative I will give it a couple of days then start the medication to start yet another long cycle!

Fingers crossed!

Day 28

2005-12-12T20:26:00.000Z

All tests negative so far, but I have convinced myself that I 'felt pregnant' a few times. I really expected the test strips to come up with 2 lines. I am trying not to get to miserable about it I have another whole week to get a positive test result, if not it is into another cycle of starting off my period, which usually takes about 10 days then into the next round of clomid, it all feels like it takes too long, and having a baby seems like a long way away.

I have another appointment with the consultant on 1st Feb, I am a bit worried because I have been reading on the web that if clomid does not work in the first 6 months it is unlikely to at all. Oh dear.......................... feeling a little glum today, but still feel like I have to smile and act like everything is ok.

Day 23

2005-12-07T18:07:00.000Z

Day 23 and so far pregnancy tests are negative. I guess it is just wishful thinking to test so soon anyway, I know the instructions say to test on day 35 if I have not had a period by then, but I keep thinking that I feel pregnant, even believe I am pregnant for a little while. It is so hard, and I am dreading Christmas, it would be really great to be pregnant and tell our families over Christmas, since the last two Christmas' have been full of bad news it would be good to wish for a happy Christmas this year.

My Son is on my mind a lot at the moment, well actually he always is, but now especially approaching the 2 year anniversary of his death. Two years have passed so quickly yet I still remember everything clearly about the car crash, about being in hospital, about being told my baby was dead, and about the birth and finally meeting my little boy. I guess that only now I am beginning to understand that you never get over losing a baby, but you have to some how learn to live with the loss. I hate some days the way I cope with it all, and feel like I am a mess most of the time, but I am starting to cope with it all, it is easier then trying to forget.

Day 13 of cycle

2005-11-27T17:56:00.000Z

How am I feeling?!!!! Mostly a little mad, very hormonal!! Up and down all over the place, like a roller coaster of a ride. I have had some more pains over the past few days, like period pains. Not sure if that is my ovaries trying to work or just all in my head!!!! I have my fingers crossed for a positive result by Christmas, but I almost don't want to hope for it In case I am disappointed again. I will have to just wait and see I guess!

Day 8

2005-11-22T19:42:00.000Z

I had for some reason thought that it had been a couple of days since I last posted but actually it was yesterday!!

Feeling a little better today, just very cold! The weather is totally mad at the moment, especially the fog, enough to make anyone feel a bit miserable!

Now it is time to get busy, and hope that the clomid has worked! We are getting into an every other day routine!!

Day 7

2005-11-21T19:13:00.000Z

I am feeling a little low at the moment. We went to a wedding reception at the weekend and met up with some of my husbands friends. One of them was pregnant, I had not even thought for a minute someone there would be pregnant. I should have prepared myself for the possibility. It hit me like a smack in the face followed by a punch in the stomach. It was really hard to sit there and smile while all I wanted to do was go home and cry! I find it really hard to be around pregnant people especially around this time of year.

I have been getting some side effects from the clomid I think, or from being miserable!! I have been getting a lot of stomach cramps that feel like period pains. I have also being feeling very emotional, with mad mood swings. I don't care so long as it works.

Day 5 of cycle Day 4 of clomid

2005-11-19T08:55:00.000Z

I am feeling slightly more optimistic about things today. My side effects this time are more then on the lower dose cycle. I have got loads more spots then normal and am getting more stomach cramps this time around.

When you read the side effects of the Clomid, it is debatable which side effects are from the medication and which are from being infertile, for example 'depression'.

Only one more day of taking the clomid! I have managed to take them all at either 8am or 8.30am so am quite glad I managed that. Now all I have to do is remember to take my medformin twice a day and m friend folic acid, I have lost count of the amount of bottles I have been through!

Day 2 of cycle -day 1 of clomid 100

2005-11-16T12:34:00.000Z

Here goes everything! I have taken the first dose. I decided that this time around I would take the pills at the same time every day, I don't know if it makes much of a difference. Just thought it was worth a try. Normally because I work shifts I take them anytime between 5.45am and 8.30am. So this time I am going to try taking them at 8am every morning, which will mean that I need to remember to take them at work, but I thing I can do it, it is only for a few days, I can remember!! I hope!

Actually today is day 1!

2005-11-15T14:07:00.000Z

Got a bit ahead of myself yesterday, I had thought that since the brown discharge had increased that my period was starting, but it did not actually start properly until 4am this morning. Still felt rough yesterday, not sure if it is a bug, or just the result of hormones, but I was really sick last night a couple of times, I had to come home from work early. I am feeling a little better today but very tired.

Clomid starts tomorrow!

Finally started my cycle! Day 1

2005-11-14T09:52:00.000Z

I finally started my period properly today 10 days after completing the 5 day cycle of Norethisterone. I should have known it would start today, I had a few days holiday from work last week and in my mind had thought that would be a good time for my period to start, whilst I had time to be in pain and spend the first day of my period with a hot water bottle on my tummy! So it was obvious really that it had to start today when I am back at work and on a late shift, so I start work at lunch time and get home about 9.30pm. AHHHHHHHHH!!! It is not too bad at the moment apart from a big headache.

Tomorrow I start on the Clomid, I am crossing everything that is possible to cross in the hope it will work. I have a funny feeling I will be pregnant by Christmas, but I don't know!

Waiting for the big blob!

2005-11-12T17:30:00.000Z

Still waiting for my period to start! I finished the tablets 8 days ago, it looks as though my period will start soon but find it very slow starting with the medication. I am sure my body is wising up to the drugs because the first medication induced period only took four days to start, each time I take the tablets it seems to take longer and longer for my period to start.

Piddled off by Christmas starting so early each year, roll on January!!!

Day 5 of Norethisterone

2005-11-04T19:35:00.000Z

I had now completed the five day course of tablets, which is good. I am starting to get symptoms from it though, either that or symptoms of recovery from jet lag! I am becoming really emotional for no real reason, really randomly, but I think I can stay on top of it! I think I may possibly be one of a very small amount of women who actually look forward to thier period. Obviously as soon as it comes, with the pain etc I will wish it away! But after that it is all systems go!