Plodding along!

Things are alright really, just feel as though I am plodding along. There feels like little point to anything when we are not even trying to conceive, it is so frustrating! Only 2 more weeks before I can start the medication again, but at the moment that is stressing me out! The doctor only prescribed the provera for once a day instead of twice a day like I was having. Also the provera had stopped working so he had given me a different drug instead. I have had a frustrating week of talking to his secretary. I phoned Monday, she said she would check my notes, then she phoned me back to say what was written, but he had not written how many times a day to take the provera in my notes. So she asked a random doctor who knew nothing about me and told her to tell me that it should work taking it once a day. She said if it did not work I should call back and get my doctor to prescribe something else. I told her I was not prepared to risk it not working since it would take 19 days of my already very long cycle to find out if it would work, then I would have to wait another 19 days plus however long it would take to get another prescription. Time is a really big issue for me at the moment, things are just not happening fast enough! She said if I wanted she would speak to my doctor for me, I said yes please since that is why I phoned in the first place! On Thursday I called her again since I still had not heard anything. She said she had not seen him, but would probably see him that afternoon and that she would call me back. I still have not heard back from her. It is really frustrating it feels like everything is a fight, but I am running out of steam.

I have been back to work several times this week, It was not too bad facing people. Only one person said something silly and instead of me being quiet and stewing on it I let rip and she then saw how silly her remark was. She said 'Never mind you are only young.' to which I replied - actually I am pushing thirty and it gets even harder to conceive as you get older and the risks are increased, also I am clinically infertile'. That made me feel better. I normally bite my tongue worried that if I flid I will lose control and either go totally over the top nuts or cry! But I was quite well controlled.

Feel a little like I am on auto-pilot at the moment.

Things!

Things are a little better today. Yesterday I was either feeling like crying or crying all day. I hate feeling this way. I have been off work since I started bleeding last Friday, my sick certificate runs out on Tuesday so I will go back to work then, but I am dreading it. I had not told the people at work that I was pregnant, until the day I was bleeding and I had to phone up to tell them I would not be in and why. Because I work shifts it wont be a matter of facing people on one day and it all be over, I will see different people on different days for the next week or so, it is so hard. Whilst I am at home with my husband I can stay in my own bubble but once I go back to work I will be on my own and back out in the real world.

I went to see the doctor at the PCOS clinic on Wednesday. He was brilliant. I have to wait 4-8 weeks before we can start again, which is my biggest problem at the moment. It is really frustrating all the waiting is so hard. I have to wait to start the medication to give me a period, I have to take that for five days then wait two weeks for my period to start then it is the 35 day wait to see if it has worked or we need to start it all over again. But we are trying to find other things to think about to make the time pass faster. Once we do kick it off again I have been given instructions for what to do next time I get pregnant to try to reduce the risk of another miscarriage. I have been told to stop the metformin and to take aspirin 75mgs once a day.

Happy valentines day

Not so happy though. I was looking forward to no more key events, like birthdays, Christmas, mothers day, fathers day or just general family events without knowing we have a baby on the way. Now we are just back to square one, today is not what I planned it to be. I just feel really sad.

Off to Doctors tomorrow hopefully for some sensible answers, I hope we don't have to wait very long before we can start trying again. Trying is frustrating, but not trying is worse. Time to jump back on board the roller coaster. I just hope it does not take so long for my ovaries to work this time. It has been 3 years of trying, and each time since the first (which took about 4 months) it has taken a year at the least to conceive again. It is just such a long road and just when I think I have got off it I am just back at the start again. Feeling very low today.

Top five things not to say to a couple who have just had a miscarriage!

I feel it is my duty to compose this list of things not to say based on the totally stupid things that people have said to us after our past 3 miscarriages. Sadly most of these stupid remarks have come from hospital staff who frankly should know better!

What not to say

1. Tell you the statistics of how common it is to have a miscarriage in early pregnancy (so you not only stress out about the miscarriage you have just have but all the pregnancies after that should you dare try again!)

2. 'Only 3 miscarriages' (my response to that should have been - how many is a good number?!)

3. Better luck next time (thanks!)

4. It obviously was not meant to be (helpful!)

5. There will be other babies (My response should have been -actually that might not be the case, if you had bothered to read my notes you will see that not only is this my third pregnancy but I have a problem actually conceiving and we have been trying for a baby for 3 years)

Although there is another favorite that should be added to this list. It is the answer to the question - how long should I wait before we start trying again. The answer is always to wait until after your next period. I have not had a period that has not been as a result of a miscarriage or brought on by medication in well over three years, so are they suggesting I wait three years!!! I wish people would not be so silly and think before they speak and read your history before they answer your questions with the response they have been programmed with to tell everybody regardless of their circumstances. When I compared this last pregnancy to my first two I was told 'no two pregnancies are the same' so why don't they take that on board when they speak to pregnant women that no two are the same, nor are their circumstances so to come up with responses that are the same for every women seems totally ridiculous!

I have an appointment with the consultant on Wednesday (which is good since despite asking to see a doctor today and being told I could see one, I was then not give the opportunity to and instead spoke with a crap nurse who said all the wrong stuff and just told me to see my GP, despite the fact that I would get to the GP's before the letter from the hospital was even typed out!), it was meant to be for a scan, but the receptionist said it would be alright to talk to the doctor then. I am sure he will be more helpful and will tell me how long I need to wait before I start popping the pills again! I just want to start over now, before we lose our bottle and totally give up!

Bad news - But what is new!

Things have gone very wrong! On Friday I started to bleed, it was only old blood to begin with, but I still had a feeling of imminent doom! We went to the clinic at the hospital and had a scan. It showed that the dot they scanned last week had another dot inside which seemed promising. They gave me a whole list of reasons why I might bleed other then another miscarriage.

On Friday evening the bleeding had stopped and I thought that maybe this time we were going to be lucky, but on Saturday morning, it re-started along with cramps, by Saturday evening I was bleeding heavily, fresh blood. I still hoped that things might be alright. But this morning I passed the sac that was the dot on the screen I had seen. I know that is it, I have had another miscarriage.

I feel really angry and upset. Not just for me but for my husband who I know will be the worlds best Dad and for our parents who are desperate to be grandparents. I feel like I have let everyone down. I know it is not my fault but it does not stop me from feeling totally useless.

So we are back to square one again. I go back to the clinic tomorrow and will ask about how long we need to wait before I can restart the fertility treatment again. Life is so unfair.

I am pregnant and paranoid!!!

I found out last Thursday (26th Jan) that I was pregnant. It was not really until Monday that I dared to believe it! I have symptoms, which is great, and must have done about 6 positive pregnancy tests to be sure!

I went to see my GP on Tuesday to discuss Metformin. Should I stop taking it or carry on. Metformin is not licensed for pregnancy but apparently that is just because the manufacturers have never applied for a license through fear of any legal cases being brought against them. There is some research that metformin reduces the risk of miscarriage in people who have pcos and have been taking metformin to help get pregnant. So the outcome is I am going to stay on it, until someone shows me some credible research that says Metformin is bad!

Yesterday I had my appointment at the pcos clinic. The Doctor there is brilliant (as is my GP), I have great confidence in doctors who sound like they know what they are talking about and explain things clearly! I had a scan which showed that two of my follicles had released eggs, it also showed my little dot, but was too early to see much more. I am going back in a couple of weeks for another scan, in the hope that my little dot is a bigger dot! Also could not tell from this scan how many babies I am pregnant with!

I am really happy to be pregnant but am really worried about having a miscarriage. I worry about being too happy because it will be a big smack in the face if things go wrong. But it will be that anyway! So I am going to enjoy being happy, keep my fingers crossed and worry about one day at a time! I am hoping that in 8 months time I will look back at this time and think 'there really was no point worrying so much, and that time really flew!' whilst also holding my newborn baby or babies!